Hello Lovers,

For too long has this post sat in under the veil of uncertainty, for today, it shall come to fruition. Seems fitting…In today’s installation of D. Layne in Perspective, I’d like to talk about something near and dear to all of our hearts; TGA: The Grey Area. The area where find yourself when you are seeing someone but you haven’t really had ‘the talk’ with them to define what you and that other person are as an item. What is the Grey Area, and how would you define it for yourself? So…ask yourselves. How do we define something that, in essence, is based solely in uncertainty? Well, for some there may be a certain comfort found inside of that very uncertainty, a safe place if you will, with soft white walls (Message). For those with fear of commitments, those wanting to just date one person exclusively and still stray from commitment, or those who may want to see several people at the same time, the grey area may serve as a safe haven. On the other side of that coin, you have those who absolutely can’t stand the grey area and NEED to be in a relationship at all times. However…that is another blog for a future date. Let’s stick to the script a bit here.

The Grey Area, in most cases, would be defined as a situation betwixt two or more parties that involves some sort of unclear understanding, as oxymoronic as that may sound. We’ve all heard the term ‘Friends with Benefits’, while this doesn’t have to be the case all the time, most people have been in this situation at some point or another in their lives while figuring it all out. Personally speaking my experiences within the grey area haven’t allowed for me to really define it. It has taken a shape all its own, and I can only assume it does the same for all within the bounds and terms of the user or the beholder. For me, TGA has always seemed to create itself, until recently after a breakup when I made it a personal choice to be ’emotionally unavailable’ or just plain single for the next 3.5-4 years of my life. That personal choice, I believe, was manifested from the want and need to openly love again without bias or prejudgment of others, which is virtually impossible to do directly after a break up, as you’re running from everything bad that happened during that time. This, my friends, is a little something special us animals on earth like to call ‘Aversion’. Think of us living as hunters and gatherers again. If my people are more of the gathering nature, and I’m out picking some berries that are red and yellow and look delicious. I eat a few, and they cause me to vomit, the next time I even smell those berries, I’d begin to feel sick. That…is called natural aversion. Modern day, some of you have partied once or twice. After my 21st birthday, and I think to this day nine years later, I still can’t stand the smell of Bacardi O, or anything remotely close to it. Thanks Doshea Gordon, appreciate that one. That…my friends, is called natural aversion. However, back to the lecture at hand, I took time for me to re-define what it is that I wanted out of love. Often times when we don’t take time to assess ourselves and what we’re asking of love is when we find ourselves in a flashback of the situation that we just got out of. History repeats itself more times than we’d like to think. My situation may have taken a bit longer than the norm, if there is one, however I felt that it was needed in order to re-calibrate my outlook on love/life. I think others should take note.

It seems that many people in all sorts of categories may find themselves in the Grey. It could be the scorned woman or man that now has walls higher than the great city of Thebes or it could be simply the lost lover that is afraid of commitment. The range is vast and the grey area is a bullet with no name on it, much like cancer, no offense. Some just fall into it, some look to be there and find comfort in it. Whatever the case may be, I will say this. In my opinion, longevity in this limbo we call The Grey is never a good thing. However, once again – how long is too long? This can only be defined by the user. Living and loving inside of this magnitude of uncertainty turns unhealthy for one party or all parties involved at some point. Usually the people who find themselves in the Grey may be either searching for something, stuck in a rut after a tough break up, not demanding enough from the current situation that they are dealing with, or unsure of what the other person that they’re dealing with really wants from them at the current time. Right…Clear as mud.

The Grey usually breaks down because of it’s uncertain nature. The very thing that creates it, often destroys it. People who live inside of this uncertain bubble are often use to it’s bleak nature being a cocoon for them hide in. Where they’re feelings are safe behind walls and oft times they use that uncertainty to fuel the situation for as long as they can, knowing at some point or another it will bubble over like a pot of pasta that has been on the stove for too long.I’ve been witness to situations where one person gets attached, both parties get attached, things just fizzle out, and some where the situation implodes. So, once we find ourselves here, how do we move out of this blurred oasis? In my opinion, as always, communication and lots of it, is usually a factor that most people leave out of these situations…on purpose, and that may not be so intelligent. It is common that communication barriers usually rear their ugly heads here and play some part in the epic downfall, think the Leaning Tower of Piza no longer leaning, but falling. Epic. If you do find yourself in this situation…talk about it. Not just with friends, or your sister, or your mom, or that person’s best friend thinking that it’ll will eventually get back to them, they don’t know this person, you do. Don’t stalk that person’s Facebook page thinking that you’ll be able to decipher the Lil Wayne ‘How To Love‘ lyrics that they just put up on their profile, or if it’s your shirt on the person that they cropped out of their new profile pic. Physically TALK to the person that you’re in the situation with. Give it more than the Old College Go and find out where you are, where you want to be, and what you want out of the situation. Then reiterate it the next week, month or whatever after. That’s the only way you’ll keep one party or the other from feeling like a hoebag, or is it hobag? Yes I said hoebag, and guys can feel like hoebags too ladies. Sidebar – Just realized that I always feel bad saying or writing ‘Ho’ because Santa says that, and the fat guy with the white beard can’t be defiled like that, so I’m going to stick with Hoebag (Self justification). I’m back…we guys, actually do have those magical things called feelings. Communication will help clear those murky waters, even if it’s to say, “I like sleeping with you, but I’m just not that into you” or “Your actually kind of wack in the sack, so beat it nerdio”. Either way it’ll help to clear the air and probably save you a ton of grief before that pot boils over and/or bring you some happiness when you actually find out that you could be wasting valuable time to openly and honestly love someone, which is what we’re all here for, right…RIGHT? So…Whether you’re just “Talking to”, “Dating”, Seeing”, “Sleeping with”, etc., someone, make sure you have some conversation about it. Trust me, it’ll be better for all parties involved in the long run. That’s my perspective, and I’m sticking to it.

D. Layne