Today

I am scared

A grown man

Here to profess his fear within

Fear found in the quiet moments between 2AM and 4

In the witching hours

Fear found within the lack of knowledge of familial health history

Again, cut off from a past filled with trauma

Fear that I may fall to the cycle

Diaspora and mass incarceration and a patriarchal failure

Today

I am afraid

To not be strong enough to break the wheels of history

Cyclical poison that tells us to not go to the doctor

Not to go to therapy

That we are not doing enough by the time we reach 40

Children

Property ownership

Terminal degree

It is never enough.

Or so it would seem

The unknown

The future

Destiny

Screaming horror

Bloody murder

The alarm sounds

6:30AM

Yet another clock.

Be enough

Bend, don’t break

Own a house

Go to the doctor

Be a doctor

Go to therapy

Be healthy

Be in love

Have a child

Timelines be damned

I am in fear.

But today…

Today.

I choose me.

 

Daymyen Tyler Layne

12/6/2019