Hello all,

     Welcome back to D. Layne In Perspective.I would like to welcome you all to a new year, new ambitions, new additions, and new clean love. May 2012 bring you all that your mind and heart desire and may it shun all that they do not.  It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you, without a dope beat to step to, as Timbaland would say. Errrr, you get the point. Read on.

Fuck!! My Power Ranger’s Kung Fu grip doesn’t work! And I just got this!! Ever had this feeling?? Good, so have I. Imagine you in all of your childhood glory, bright-eyed, bushy tailed. Your one mission in life is to get home after your great trip to Toys-R-Us and play with whatever new toy/gadget/doll you just received from your ever-loving parental unit. You finally get home and are bursting with excitement as you pretty much demolish whatever packaging is around the toy. Thank you Hasbro for packaging my childhood joys in a proverbial Fort Knox, I think I just cut myself on the titanium-plastic alloy that you put this thing in. You do your best MacGyver impression and finally get in, EUREKA!! Alas, something has gone awry. Something is BROKEN! WORST. FEELING. EVER.

This simple childhood thought along with Seth Godin’s TED talk, Seth is hilarious to me by the way, from 2008 that has led me to a relationship based theory donned; The Broken Toy Syndrome. I decided to explain the syndrome in terms of youth joy and pain because I was looking for something simple, empirical, that we could all relate to across the board. The Broken Toy Syndrome can be broken down, no pun intended, as such; Someone who is affected heavily by a past relationship or relationships, yet does not realize that they have quite a hefty bit of healing to do. The subject usually jumps into their next situation too quickly, only to victimize unsuspecting characters with non-trust, weaponized insecurity of self, and overwhelming negativity in a situation that should be fresh and new. Sadly, this happens more often than not. I hear the old cliche all the time; “The only way to get over someone is to get under someone new.”, and this is definitely NOT the way to go. This theory, I believe we have all witnessed first hand where we or the other person we are dealing with wasn’t ‘over’ the last person they were with. Oft times we as human beings are searching for extraneous pieces to fit into the empty spaces in our puzzle, when we should really be looking within to find those.

Who does this affect? This syndrome doesn’t only affect those that have just gotten out of long term relationships, it can actually affect people in all sorts of different situations, and sometimes if there is a clean break (RARE!) it doesn’t occur at all. The serial daters that just hop from one bad situation to the next or one good situation to the next in fear of commitment, those long term haters of love and all it brings to the table, the monogamous elitist that only see themselves with a concrete partner, those who knowingly aren’t ready for a relationship but find themselves in relationship-like situations all the time and those who don’t want a relationship at all.  We’re all affected by this because this is all about our interaction betwixt ourselves and the emotional world outside our window. Is there anyway to avoid this? Can we navigate the emotional world without coming into contact with this phenomenon? Sure…if you’re a hermit with a heart of baked red river clay.  We can’t avoid it and it only seems to get more complicated as we age. In my personal opinion, this should show us that we need to pay closer attention to ourselves during times of emotional duress. Hell, we need to pay closer attention to ourselves at all times, not just when shit hits life’s fan. I don’t think we, as people,  are intentional enough with our own feelings. Most of our energy is expended trying to balance others in hopes that we will eventually find balance for ourselves, and that shouldn’t be the case.

So…How does this affect the dating landscape? What does this mean for us out there who are trying to ‘make it’ in the world emotionally? The dating landscape seems to be as rough a terrain as ever. With what technology should’ve done for us in smoothing things out and making people more easily accessible (which it has to a point), has adversely made things a bit harder on those that like to reach out and touch someone, literally and non sexually. On the flip side of that, with the click of a button, well maybe a few buttons, I can effectively electronically erase someone from my existence. However only time and reflection can really remove their carbon footprint on you and your psyche. Out there in that rough terrain, we should be mindful of what we should and should not deal with from ourselves and others in new ‘situations’. Trust issues being on the forefront of this, if someone doesn’t trust you when you’ve given them no reason not to or are just beginning to date them, chances are they’re broken. If the new person you’re seeing has obvious insecurity issues about you, about themselves, or general situations regarding the whole dating scene…they’re broken. If you’re new toy get jealous at the drop of a hat before things are serious, you guessed it…broken. These should also be tell tale signs within yourself and if any of these signs or red lights go off for you, broken. Take yourself back to the toy workshop, get refurbished before you put yourself back on the shelf for display.  I say and hear this all the time; ‘You can’t get right with anyone else until you get right with you.’ The only way to do this is constant  self evaluation of where you are with your emotional well-being. If you can honestly gauge that in a positive manner, then and only then should you bring your bit to the table.

Are we ALL Broken? This may be a valid question as pointed out by my brother, also D. Layne, while conversing with him on the topic at hand. Is this just a part of life, are we born like a perfect stone tablet that just fades, cracks, and weathers with time? I’d like to think not. I’d like to believe in the redemptive qualities of the mind and heart. While there is no real and/or concrete time frame that says: ‘Ding! You are now right with you, you are now free to move about the emotional cabin!’ I do believe that taking time, however long it may be for you, is extremely important. For if you do not, you will surely and most likely subconsciously dump your pile on someone else’s life. Just how much does the battering of tried and failed relationships affect us over time? Also something to think about, do we get better or worse when dealing with these types of situations as we get older? We pack on more baggage, yet we may gain wisdom in which ways to deal, cope, and let go of what we need to. Essentially over time we gain a necessary skill-set to help us cope with emotional loss. Some deal better than others, I really do believe that the intentionality of it all is crucial here.   Self reflection and attempts to figuring out your ‘why’ behind your ‘what’ is the only way to really and truly get over situations from your past. All too often do we, as lovers, just wing it and go with the wind.  Sometimes the downdraft stinks and we can’t even smell it.

Be that shiny new toy fresh out the box for someone. I know it may seem harder and harder, as life goes on, to deal with new relationships as the baggage piles on from the old ones. However you not only do the person you are dealing with a disservice, but yourself as well. Holding on to the past without coming to terms with the situation, analyzing it, internalizing it, learning what positives and negatives you can take from it and moving on helps no one in new situations. Sounds easier said than done, but it’s a process. It’s a process that CANNOT be ignored. You want to move on to your next fling/love/whatever with free-thought and a clear mind to choose which way the situation goes for you. Yes, you decide that. You choose what holds your mind and what doesn’t, as long as you take ownership of how your feelings affect and interact with the way you move in the world.  Please remember, although you are not to be toyed with…everyone likes a shiny, new toy. Make sure you can be that for others, and more importantly make sure that you can be that for yourself. Free from Broken Toy Syndrome for your own well being.  Free to choose. Thanks for reading.  That’s my perspective, and I’m sticking to it.

D. Layne